I was eating pho with my friend Elisha when she confessed that she had wanted to set me up on a date with a friend of hers. After describing him as being an awesome, delightful guy, she stopped and thought. “But,” she paused, “He might be a little too clean cut for you.”
Imagining a crew cut and plaid shorts, I asked, “Oh, because he’s in the Air Force?”
Elisha hesitated again.
“Ooooooohhh,” I said, as it dawned on me. “You mean MORALLY.” Yes. Yes, she did. It’s good to know that I am known as someone who, when it comes to virtue, will require a certain amount of compromise when it comes to a mate. However, as a certain pastor (who shall remain nameless) recently said to me, “You have to know that during an argument, you can feel free to tell your husband to F off.” [Before I get hate-mail from men, please know that I am being fairly sardonic here. Passably.]
My conversation with Elisha got me thinking about my deal-breakers when it comes to men. Now, I am not looking to date. As many of you know, I have been pretty emotionally unavailable for several months now, and do not foresee that changing any time soon. To be honest, I believe that a boyfriend would only cramp my style and my new-found sense of purpose. But on the inevitable day when I am ready to jump back into the cruel and awkward dating pool, it would be helpful to know what I am looking for, and more importantly, what I am not looking for.
Listing deal-breakers is dangerous, because you never know who you might fall for. Lord knows I used to think that Dungeons & Dragons would be a no-can-do, but it’s amazing what becomes endearing when you’re in love. However, I am fairly confident that the following should serve as the red alert that screams “run like the plague.”
1) Hummers or tiny sports cars. Both are indicative of a larger issue of the ego.
2) Cat lovers. I believe that cat lovers and dog lovers are mutually exclusive – one cannot truly be both – and my allergies are severe. I would rather live my life with a Bernese Mountain dog than with the feeling that I have swallowed shards of glass.
3) Disrespect towards wait-staff and servers. I don’t care if you didn’t get the table that you wanted. I don’t care if your dressing didn’t come on the side. There is nothing more unattractive than a man who is discourteous… except, of course,
4) Rotten teeth. I learned this one the hard way.
5) The last name “Crannie.” For obvious reasons.