Killing flies

Written by hootenannie on June 17th, 2008

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to think about insurance, and a 401k, and heart disease, and my future. I don’t want to get creaky knees. I don’t want to learn how to cook a turkey. I don’t want to make hard decisions, and be the responsible one, and do my own taxes.

I really don’t want to buy a fly-swatter.

For some reason, buying a fly-swatter feels like this very adult thing to do. I’ve never bought a fly-swatter before, because my parents (the GROWN UPS) always had one. True, I have not lived with my parents for almost 8 years now, but somehow I have escaped ever needing one while not having access to one.

I currently have three monstrous, enormous flies in my apartment. They’re huge, and they’re like needy little kids, or puppies, in that when I’m home, they ALWAYS WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME. They buzz and fly and land on my lotioned legs. My lotion must smell good – either that, or I smell like a pile of excrement. I suppose that flies aren’t too picky.

Last night, while reading in bed, the flies hummed around my head. I took my Paulo Coelho paperback and swatted at them a few times, but they couldn’t take the hint. Flies can be so rude.

I have waited a few days, thinking that they might just die in my apartment. But there are enough coffee grounds and banana peels in my trash can for them to live a long and satisfying life. It’s time that I take action.

It’s time to be a big girl. It’s time to buy a fly-swatter, and go on an insect-killing spree. It’s time to defend my house and home.

Everyone has to grow up some time. Unfortunately for the flies, the embracing of my adulthood is going to result in their rather violent demise. They will see my murderous form duplicated over and over in their multi-faceted eyes, and that will be the last thing that they see… and see… and see… before being flattened.

I’m pretty sure that I’ll let out a “HA-CHAH!” too. Because I am a grown up.

12 Comments so far ↓

  1. Jun
    17
    9:04
    AM
    Shanna

    this entire year (june ’07-june ’08)has been about fighting the onslaught of adulthood. which means i basically cry everyday when faced with decisions like: should i live in a studio by myself or a house with other people? should i register my car in missouri or ohio? should i take out the trash today or let it sit for a week in the hallway?

    i just ran across this article. haven’t read it all yet but the first few paragraphs are spooky and very similar to your post a few days ago: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200807/googl
    the title of the article: “is google making us stupid?”

  2. Jun
    17
    10:16
    AM
    Christina

    Hmmm, Paulo Coelho books are useful fly swatters in addition to being excellent reads. They’re so multi-purpose.

  3. Jun
    17
    10:44
    AM
    erin castioni

    this will be, hands down, the best dollar for dollar investment of your life. Once you get your first fly, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do this years ago. There’s no truer victory in life than killing a fly. But on the other hand, no one will every be able to say “that annie, she’s so sweet, she wouldn’t hurt a fly” ever again. So, my friend, the choice is yours.

  4. Jun
    17
    11:52
    AM
    I am Kate Maxwell and home is

    i don’t think fly swatting really counts… i bought my first fly swatter when i was 8

  5. Jun
    17
    12:22
    PM
    Annie Parsons

    Shanna, beware the trash in the hallway – fruit flies are another of my pet peeves!

    Christina, I’m FINALLY reading “By the River Piedra” – it’s beautiful. Should finish it today!

    Erin, you, my friend, are hysterical. Come visit again? :)

    Kate, I’m pretty sure that you were an odd child. Not to say that I don’t love ya, but only you would by your “first fly swatter” (haha – the first of many?) at 8 years old. :)

  6. Jun
    17
    12:56
    PM
    Ross

    You can put off the inevitable a few more years. Check this out:

    http://www.pplmotorhomes.com/parts/recliners-chairs/148067.htm

  7. Jun
    17
    1:40
    PM
    Mary

    Shanna and Annie – oh how I feel you! Not only have I looked at about 10 ONE BEDROOM apartments in the past week (which, in itself, makes me feel old), but I’ve also come to the realization that I need to buy a vacuum. FOR MYSELF. a vacuum. yuck. I would so much rather buy that fabulous framed print, or buy a ticket to LA, or hell, why not a new pair of jeans?

  8. Jun
    17
    1:46
    PM
    Annie Parsons

    Mary, YOU CAN HAVE MY VACUUM!!! I have one in a closet in Laurelhurst. It’s yours. I’m emailing you.

  9. Jun
    17
    2:00
    PM
    Marijke

    I’m only commenting to let you know I’ve financially supported you three times since yesterday.

    I won’t let you down.

  10. Jun
    17
    8:57
    PM
    Deborah Barnett

    You can always go downtown and buy one of those guitar-shaped fly swatters. Blame it on tourism… instead of adulthood.

  11. Jun
    18
    11:43
    AM
    Anonymous

    Put on a pair of strappy heels and squish those nasty flies!

  12. Jun
    18
    10:28
    PM
    MB

    I miss fly hunting! It was a daily summer activity growing up in OK. All they have up here in the northwest are tiny, wimpy flies. They don’t have any of the humming bird sized beasts from the midwest and south. Lol. I’m not really missing them at all, but thanks for giving me another reason to stay in Washington as long as possible!

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