This is my brain
Friday, August 14th, 2009
No drugs required.
I have 5 different possible directions to take this post, all of which are saved as fragments of Word documents on my desktop. I have been trying to write for days, but quite frankly, everything that is coming out is baloney. All I can do is stare at the wall.
Y’all, I am exhausted. And when I am exhausted, I get super pessimistic and woebegone. Another car honks at me, and I burst into tears. I find myself presented with chocolate peanut butter brownies, and immediately eat 4. And then I eat half a frozen pizza. And tortilla chips. And maybe some cream cheese on a spoon. My mind wanders when it should be focused, and I am serious when I should be playful. When I feel overwhelmed, human interaction is the first thing I cut out. I criticize my body, my abilities, my decisions.
I do not like who I become when I am exhausted. And I do not like how other people experience me when I am exhausted.
So I’ve been staying quiet.
I’ve been writing in this open venue long enough to know that there are certain things that I should not share. There are certain times that I should not write publicly. There are certain emotions that should not be accessible to just anyone.
I make my insides far too available.
But I’m learning to protect my heart, trusting it only to those who have earned it.
So forgive my silence as a simple act of self-preservation.
