This is my brain
Written by hootenannie on August 14th, 2009
No drugs required.
I have 5 different possible directions to take this post, all of which are saved as fragments of Word documents on my desktop. I have been trying to write for days, but quite frankly, everything that is coming out is baloney. All I can do is stare at the wall.
Y’all, I am exhausted. And when I am exhausted, I get super pessimistic and woebegone. Another car honks at me, and I burst into tears. I find myself presented with chocolate peanut butter brownies, and immediately eat 4. And then I eat half a frozen pizza. And tortilla chips. And maybe some cream cheese on a spoon. My mind wanders when it should be focused, and I am serious when I should be playful. When I feel overwhelmed, human interaction is the first thing I cut out. I criticize my body, my abilities, my decisions.
I do not like who I become when I am exhausted. And I do not like how other people experience me when I am exhausted.
So I’ve been staying quiet.
I’ve been writing in this open venue long enough to know that there are certain things that I should not share. There are certain times that I should not write publicly. There are certain emotions that should not be accessible to just anyone.
I make my insides far too available.
But I’m learning to protect my heart, trusting it only to those who have earned it.
So forgive my silence as a simple act of self-preservation.
14
AM
Oh Annie…
*Hug.*
14
AM
where’s the toast for that fried egg?
we love you Annie!
14
AM
And even in your silence you are poetic and wise. I love your words. And I love you!
And…when another car honks at you, they are probably trying to tell you they think you’re cute!
14
AM
Yeah, they’re into your ass-ets:) So what you’re saying is your brain has a lot of nutrients and substance? The best form of protein to fill us up and keep us going on hard days? That’s what I thought.
p.s. when you become a mom, get a nanny for the first few months, b/c otherwise you’ll be in that pit a lot. At least I was. I’m a wreck when I’m exhausted, downright suicidal, no kidding. Scary.
BUT, after the darkest night, comes the dawn; now CB can sleep 12 hours straight almost, after just a few miserable months. So there’s hope. How differently would we live in the hard times if we knew about that hope? Press on sister.
14
PM
I am in the same exact place. THanks for reminding me that I am not alone – or mentally ill.
14
PM
I totally agree, the blogosphere is not the venue for everything. I try to stay away from the old blog when I get cranky or angry or sad or frustrated. Hmmm… this would explain why I only blog about once a week.
On the upside, it looks like you’re really good at cooking eggs.
14
PM
boy do i hear ya. I’ve been feeling a lot like Goodman Brown lately. I’m on that same journey in the woods and i can’t really find my way – but it’s not a journey i can really share with others, i just need to do it with the Big Man. The silence has been helpful for me.
14
PM
Yes hugs to you. I hope you can spend the weekend only doing what fills you with life, even if that is doing nothing. It’s not wasted time.
14
PM
I certainly feel ya, Annie. I hope things clear up and the sun comes out for you.
17
PM
i’m just going to copy and paste this entry into my journal. you wrote word for word how i feel these days. you just say it a lot more eloquently than i would. praying for you today! XOXO