I’ve spent a lot of years getting okay with sadness.
While we live in a culture that tells us that, through various forms of self-medication, sadness is to be avoided at all costs, I have learned that sometimes, you just need to feel sad. Lean into the pain. Don’t do anything to try to change it, just fully experience it.
And why shouldn’t I feel sad? For me, the last 5 years have held their fair share of death – death of dreams, death of relationships, death of people. If it isn’t happening to me, it’s happening around me – although, I’ll be honest and say that these days, it’s happening to me… more than I’ve asked for, more than I imagined could hit all at once.
I’m really good at the sad.
I’m realizing that there are no happy endings – no game-winning home run, no swelling music as the couple kisses, no cowboy riding off into the sunset. Until the good Lord comes again, we are existing in a never-ending series of ups and downs – just as soon as we seem to find our footing, the world tilts. Despite our most wonderful moments, we will never “arrive.” We will never figure it all out. We will never seal the happiness deal.
But in a small way, this also feels like freedom – freedom to stop waiting for the happy ending, and to experience the happy right now.
How many times have I postponed any given occurrence of happiness, in favor of that elusive “someday” happy ending? Brushing off a compliment because I’m waiting for the day that I’m skinnier. Paying no attention to the moment because I’m waiting for the larger event. Questioning my worth because I’m waiting for the day that I’m truly loved. Ignoring any good because I’m waiting until there is absolutely zero bad. Disregarding the many gifts in my life because they do not yet include a) a husband, b) a house, c) a baby, d) a larger purpose, e) any sense of security… the list goes on.
I’m going to go ahead and keep hoping, because good things are surely in store – but I need to remember that happy endings are smoke and mirrors. As long as we’re on this earth, we will never be fully satisfied. It’s time to feel the freedom to seize those happy moments – because all we’re promised is today. Grab that happiness by the jugular, and enjoy the shit out of it. Laugh without feeling guilty. Be silly without feeling stupid. Feel happy without any nonessential qualifiers.
If you need to feel sad, by all means, feel sad. But if you’re lucky enough to have a reason to be happy, don’t wait. Be happy now.