I have a confession: I don’t quite know what to do with this blog.
The posting has been light, at best, in 2012. I’ve thought about scrapping the whole thing, taking the site down, going off-the-grid in the virtual world. I’ve thought about forcing myself to post more often, rehashing the meaningless minutia of each day. I’ve thought about doing a series, dedicating each day of the week to highlighting all 5 members of various boy bands.
Instead, most days, the site just sits here.
I have so many amazing friends who are doing a great job of keeping up their writing, featuring vignettes from their lives, sharing what’s on their heart and mind. I used to do these things, I think. But these days, when I sit down to write anything – a blog, an email, a journal entry – it just feels flat. It feels forced. It doesn’t make me happy – which is alarming, since historically, writing has made me happier than just about anything else.
It’s been a long time since my heart has felt full to the point where I feel like I have something to share.
I keep trying to rally, but the truth is, I feel too tired. I miss my friends – I really do. I miss having a sense of belonging. The future feels big and overwhelming. I wish my family was intact. I wish I wasn’t broken.
I know, I know – this is the point where I’m supposed to stop and say how lucky I am, how many things I have going for me, how there are good things about my life and situation (because there really are, and I know it).
But just now, as I was writing this, the tears came – and damn it, but I’d rather cry than say nothing at all.