Confusion

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Not that you asked

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

Blame it on genetics.  Blame it on allergies.  Blame it on my deplorable sleep habits.  In any case, it’s true: the skin under my eyes gets puffy.

Blame it on vanity.  Blame it on frugality.  Blame it on beauty magazines.  In any case, it’s true: I combat puffy eyes with hemorrhoid cream.

Recently, a friend came over.  She asked to use the bathroom, and while she was in there, I realized the mortifying truth: I had left the hemorrhoid cream box in the trash can.  Right on top.

She came out of the bathroom, and I couldn’t look her in the eye.  Was she judging me?  Deeming me repulsive?  Thinking of my hemorrhoids?  Despite her pleasant, innocuous demeanor, I was positive that she was silently evaluating me.  We were 10 minutes into conversation before I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I DON’T HAVE HEMORRHOIDS,” I announced.

Blink.  Blink.

Silence.

Her face was blank.

Apparently, not everyone who walks into my bathroom feels the compulsive need to check my trash can.

Even still, should the occasion ever arise again, I would like to take this opportunity to preempt any embarrassment and declare to all of you right now: I don’t have hemorrhoids.

Thank you.

Posted in Awkward, Beauty, Confusion, Embarrassing | 6 Responses »

Poor Casey

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Me: How can I help you?
Her: Can I speak with Casey?  She emailed me.
Me: Casey is actually a guy.
Her: Oh, really?  Can I speak to her?
Me: The Casey that you got an email from is a guy.
Her: Okay.  What do I do?
Me: Is there something I can help you with?
Her: If I just respond to Casey’s email, will she write me back?
Me: Yes, if you respond to Casey’s email, he will get it and respond.
Her: Okay I’ll just write her back.
Me: Okay, bye.

Posted in Confusion, Emma, People, Work | 4 Responses »

Different

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

I’ve been doing some thinking.  I’ve been crunching some numbers.

To accomplish Tuesday’s boldly declared goal, I would have to walk 10.6 miles a day, every day, for the next 94 days.  And seeing as how I have walked 0 miles since Monday, I’m thinking that 1,000 before Labor Day may have been a WEE bit overly ambitious.

Oh well – I am still going to walk.  I will walk until kingdom come.  And mark my words: I WILL climb at least 6 14ers this summer.  That, gentlefolk, is money in the bank.

- – - – - – - -

A few years ago, I saw Rosie O’Donnell on one of the morning news shows – you know, when I still had a TV and Rosie still had the media’s love and devotion.  The interviewer asked her if she could go back and tell her younger self one thing, what would it be?

I’ll never forget Rosie’s response.  She said, “I would tell myself that everything is going to happen, just like you dreamed – it’s just going to feel differently than what you expected.”

I don’t know why, but I’m kind of experiencing some of that right now.

Posted in Celebrity, Confusion, Dreams, Emotions, Quotes, Walking | 3 Responses »