If you had asked me on Sunday who the leader of North Korea was, I would have told you “Kim Jong the second.”
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Blame it on genetics. Blame it on allergies. Blame it on my deplorable sleep habits. In any case, it’s true: the skin under my eyes gets puffy.
Blame it on vanity. Blame it on frugality. Blame it on beauty magazines. In any case, it’s true: I combat puffy eyes with hemorrhoid cream.
Recently, a friend came over. She asked to use the bathroom, and while she was in there, I realized the mortifying truth: I had left the hemorrhoid cream box in the trash can. Right on top.
She came out of the bathroom, and I couldn’t look her in the eye. Was she judging me? Deeming me repulsive? Thinking of my hemorrhoids? Despite her pleasant, innocuous demeanor, I was positive that she was silently evaluating me. We were 10 minutes into conversation before I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I DON’T HAVE HEMORRHOIDS,” I announced.
Her face was blank.
Apparently, not everyone who walks into my bathroom feels the compulsive need to check my trash can.
Even still, should the occasion ever arise again, I would like to take this opportunity to preempt any embarrassment and declare to all of you right now: I don’t have hemorrhoids.
I sometimes get the words “ravage” and “ravish” mixed up. They kind of mean the same thing, don’t they? (Also, “radish.” But this is not the same at all. This is a “swollen pungent-tasting edible root.”)
Mixing up words out loud in conversation is one of my great fears. As most fears do, this stems from traumatic childhood experiences.
When I was 7-years old, New Kids on the Block released a Christmas album with a song called “Funky Funky Xmas.” It was the coolest song ever, so naturally, while the Parsons family was doing our annual pajama-clad Christmas light drive, I was singing it at the top of my lungs.
When we got home, my dad confiscated the NKOTB tape, because how dare they teach children the F-word.
There was also that one time that I asked an old lady if she lived in a condom, I mean, a condo.
But now I’m a grown-up, and it’s time to confidently know the difference between broach/breach/brooch/breech. I won’t breach the subject. The baby wasn’t born brooch. I mean, COME ON.
I was going to talk about Seattle today. I was going to tell you how much I love that city, how much I miss it, how much it still feels like home, how much being on the water is necessary to my emotional health and survival, how much my friends mean to me, how much I would love to live there again someday.
But all of that lovely, aching wistfulness has been hijacked by something I was reminded of last night.
I’ve been a member for 8 months, but I don’t know where the bathroom is at 24 Hour Fitness.
I know where the women’s locker room is, and I’ve gone in there looking for a restroom. But I can’t find it. I’ve looked everywhere, around every corner. I’ve found the showers, the sinks, the lockers, the scales, the mirrors.
But I cannot find the toilets.
At this point, I’m too embarrassed to ask. I mean, it’s too late. They KNOW me there. My window of opportunity has passed, and now I’m on my own to to figure this one out. Godspeed, little gym rat.
But I really do love Seattle.
I’ll just cut to the chase: Southwest Airlines lost my luggage this weekend.
[insert me telling you how this sent me for a minor emotional tailspin, and how I was sick as a dog, and almost broke down and gave up, but soldiered on – for the children, really, and for America]
Flying from Nashville to Austin on Friday night, I was exhausted. I was getting sick – and I had no Kleenex. So on the plane, to my horror and shame, I had no choice but to use my sleeve to wipe my insanely runny nose. Multiple times.
Southwest offered to reimburse me for $50 worth of necessities until they found my bags – which, when you are in town for a wedding, and all you have is the mucus-crusted cardigan on your back, won’t get you very far. But I appreciated the gesture, and went to Target to max out on the necessary toiletries, medications, and two pairs of underwear.
Why two pairs? Because I wasn’t sure what kind of a dress I would wind up wearing, and any woman can tell you that different dresses call for different undergarments. Just… I just needed both pairs, okay? Always be prepared.
I found a dress and shoes at TJ Maxx, took a hot shower, my meds kicked in, and a great time was had by all at Joey and Sam’s fabulous wedding. All’s well that ends well, right?
Not so fast, sparky.
Southwest decided to itemize my Target receipt, saying that they weren’t sure that all of these things were truly “necessary” to my survival without my luggage. Things that made the cut, no questions asked? Cosmetics. Medicine. Eyedrops. Tampons. Thanks, guys, for deeming tampons “necessary.” You are too kind.
The complication? The underwear.
Apparently, because the luggage was returned within 24 hours, only one of the pairs was considered “necessary.” And so there at the Southwest counter, I was asked to indicate which pair I wore that day – bikini or thong. Multiple times, I was asked out loud, “Which pair did you need today? The bikini or the thong?”
You will never know.
But Southwest does.
My parents recently enrolled in a gym called Fitness 19 – named such because it’s open 19 hours a day. Oh, Coloradans – you are so clever with your words!
Due to her recent surgeries, Mom hasn’t been to Fitness 19 in awhile – leaving her membership card available to yours truly. My workouts on Saturday and Sunday were awesome – convincing me that I might actually acclimate to Mile High altitude, finally get the runner’s booty, and basically win the Nashville half-marathon that I’m registered for in April. So last night, I went again.
I handed my (mom’s) card to the man behind the counter, and he scanned it. “Thanks, Susan,” he said. I smiled at him, and went to the magazine rack to choose some smut to read while on the treadmill.
“Wait – Susan?”
“Susan, I think there’s a problem.”
I slowly turned around and faced him.
“Susan, when is your birthday?”
My mind raced. “June 21.”
My mind raced even faster. “Nineteen fifty-fii… SHOOT.” I said it out loud. “SHOOT.”
“You were not born in the fifties.”
And then, some bizarre calm overtook me. Like a sociopath, I cooly stated, “You are right.”
He was serious. “This is not your card.”
Again, conscienceless, “No. It’s my mom’s.”
He was adamant. “You cannot work out using another person’s membership.”
“Okay.” Pregnant pause. “But can I work out right now?”
He let me run for 40 very awkward minutes on the treadmill. I ran like I have never run before. It will be the last that Fitness 19 ever sees of me.
Controversial foods that I happen to love:
Controversial foods that I happen to hate:
Cauliflower is the worst. It makes me think of cauliflower ear.
I have a serious addiction to chewing gum, but I ran out about 8 days ago, and have yet to buy a new pack. Every morning after my two cups of coffee, I reach for a piece of minty freshness, and realize that my purse is empty. I spend the rest of the day going through withdrawal. Why I don’t just go buy a new pack of gum is beyond me – maybe I’m trying to prove my ruggedness of spirit.
Speaking of spirit, last night, I mentioned my “melancholy spirit” to Zach, the friend from Seattle who now lives on the JAM house floor (JAMZ?). He told me to not to call it that – because there is a difference between “spirit” and “temperament,” and that my spirit is actually quite fiery. I think that’s true – and it was nice to hear from an outside source.
Also last night, I sang background vocals for one of PZC’s grad school projects – he set up a makeshift isolation booth in his closet, and I sang from there while he and Zach sat silently in chairs in the middle of the bedroom. Occasionally, one of Paul’s roommates would poke their head into the room and find us thusly. That thought is making me laugh today.
I go to Boston tomorrow. If Seattle is my true love, then Boston is my crush. Seattle is to Edward as Boston is to Jacob – although, no, I still have not finished “Eclipse,” so I don’t know how it’s all going to end, and who knows – maybe Bella will wind up with a werewolf after all. At this rate, I may never know. I don’t fully believe that she has “just friends” feelings for Jacob, no matter how many times her annoying narrative voice insists upon it. I kind of want to take the book with me on the plane, but what if I still don’t read it? It’s a huge, heavy, embarrassing novel to be toting around and flashing to strangers if I’m not actually going to read it.
But I want to know how it all ends.
Don’t tell me, though.
My friend Zach moved from Seattle to Nashville this week; it’s great to have him here.
We hadn’t seen each other in almost 3 years until he arrived on my doorstep on Monday night. As I made dinner and we caught up, he told me that since the last time we saw each other, I’ve gotten sassier.
And here I was, thinking that I wasn’t accomplishing anything!
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Everyone knows that I pride myself on being an excellent speller. As much as I would deny it, I actually feel slightly superior when I witness someone’s spelling mistake.
Working in the realm of email, I witness people’s spelling mistakes all the time. The other day, I rolled my eyes when a woman wanted to “rescind” her email campaign – because hello, doesn’t she know how to spell “resend”?? I mean, duh.
I sent her back some very detailed instructions on how to resend her email.
And then, I was informed “rescind” is actually a word. It means to revoke, to undo what was done – in this case, to pull back the emails after they’ve been sent out (which is impossible, FYI – once you hit send, the deed is done – BE SURE, people!).
In any case, consider me humbled.
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What if I had ended yesterday’s post by saying, “I’m enlisting”?
That would have been hilarious*, huh?
But I didn’t, so…
Yesterday, Brooks & Dunn called it quits. (SO EMBARRASSING… oh wait… not yet… wait for it…)
On some website, I saw that the writer had referred to them as “Brooks & DONE,” and I thought, “Well, that’s clever.” I love words. I love plays-on-words. I just liked it, okay? And I resolved that I would use it as my own.
So last night, as I was leaving the Y, drenched in sweat delightfully and femininely glistening, I tossed my towel in the bin. And the man behind the counter said, “Haha – just like Brooks & Dunn – throwing in the towel” (someone give that man a trophy, because THAT WAS SHARP).
It was my chance.
And here is what I said.
“More like Brooks & NO MORE!”
I ruined it. Completely.
I mean, what in the hell was that? Brooks & No More? Brooks & NO MORE?
And what’s worse – if I had gotten it right, it’s the sort of thing that would only translate in writing. I could have said, “More like Brooks & DONE!” and started laughing hysterically, patted myself on the back for my brilliance, and winked at my latest adoring fan on the way out the door – and the poor YMCA worker would have just thought I was a dolt.
So, given the two scenarios, I suppose it’s Sophie’s Choice.
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*Hilarious not because the military is something to be laughed at, but more at the thought of me wearing a hat of any sort.
Just preempting the blog-hatred. A girl gotsta look out for herself.
After racing my dad to the top of Mt. Roberts in Juneau on Sunday, I spent some time walking around the town. Which, of course, led to an interesting encounter – because do I ever elude the interesting encounters?
I met a greasy man on a street corner who took one look at me, and immediately, very excitedly – in one breath – said, “How long are you in town? Do you live here? I’M A ROCK STAR!”
He proceeded to walk me back to the ship, and claim that he is not only a rock star, but a genius, a friend of the governor, and insane. I believed him on one account.
After hearing that I live in Nashville, he informed me that he is moving to Nashville, and has a goal of getting a record deal by November 1 (“and by the way, do you think you could set me up with Michael W. Smith?”). He gave me his phone number and his MySpace address, saying that I could spend “several months” on his MySpace page, there is so much to see. He talked and talked and talked, spewing out eccentricities and grand statements about life, and without skipping a beat, ended with, “You know what? Meeting me might be the highlight of your trip.”
I high-fived him, because maybe, dude.
But I’m leaning toward the night when the Parsons walked out onto the front deck of the ship while in open seas, thinking we could get some fun pictures, but not being prepared for the amount of SHEER TERROR the wind would bring, and after all of our dresses had blown up revealing whatever we had underneath, and hitting the deck to avoid being blown over the edge entirely, and Sarah’s driver’s license flying into the Pacific Ocean, and everyone holding hands for stability, and screaming our lungs out, and tears streaking our faces… realizing that the entire navigational crew was watching from their windows above.
No rock star, genius, insane man from Juneau can compete with the involuntary flashing of Polynesian men.