Just a few things I would like to mention…

Toad’s haircut

Remember Toad?

SHE GOT HER SUMMER HAIRCUT!

She’s still the happiest little Piggy Toad on the planet.

Speaking of “Toad”

I saw this dead, flattened frog in the parking lot at work.  I took a picture of it.  I don’t know why.

The fact that I noticed this, photographed it, and am now broadcasting it to the whole wide world all of a sudden makes me feel all kinds of awkward.

“Glass & Wood”

Allie writes such good words.

There are some things I need to let go of – the broken AND the good.

I’m trying.

Jon licks the wound

I used to believe Heather B. Armstrong to be the funniest person on the internet.

But then Jon went and licked the wound.

And just like that, the queen was dethroned.

(I know – this was almost a year ago.  But I still think about it all the time, and still LOL out loud.  It goes like this: LOLOL.)

Mark and John are here!

Also, Bruce!  But he wasn’t in the picture.

These men are the greatest.  Seriously.  They’re totally a big deal, but they still treat me like I’M the big deal – even though my hair looked COMPLETELY FLAT on top.  Horizontal.  Kansan.  I could balance an egg on that noggin.  Someone get this girl a teasing comb, stat.

And last, but most certainly not least…

I am signed up for a seminar tonight called Sex, Lies, and Rattlesnakes.  This is my own special way of “getting out there” – so don’t judge me, people.  I might wind up sucking the poisonous snake venom from your leg someday.

Something filled up my heart with nothing,
Someone told me not to cry.
But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder,
And I can see that it’s a lie.
-Arcade Fire

I would rather be ashes than dust!  I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.  I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.  The function of man is to live, not to exist.  I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.  I shall use my time.
-Jack London

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
-Jesus

- I’ve learned who LeBron James is.
- My iPod mysteriously stopped working.
- So did my deodorant.  (??)
- I hooked up Greta and Kristy as friends.  Thinking about going into matchmaking full-time.  If you need a friend in a certain area of the country, tell me – I’ll take care of you.
- The World Cup came and went and I never watched a single game.
- I walked out of Target to find the Honda covered in orange Post-It notes that said “You are loved.”  You have no idea how much I needed that.
- I vacuumed my car.
- Even still, a spider has taken up residence in the Honda, and every morning I find a fresh, sticky web woven between the emergency break, the stick shift, and the steering wheel.  How can I destroy a spider I can’t find?
- Finally watched “Inglourious Basterds.”  For better or for worse, I’m not sure yet.
- I didn’t have a lime, so I had to use lime juice (from a green plastic squeeze bottle) in my gin & tonic.  I felt like such a fraud.
- Vacation ended.  I drove back to Denver.  Felt lonely and sad.
- I got a lot of emails – if you wrote me, chances are, I haven’t responded yet.  I will.  Promise.
- The Honda went to the shop to get her new bumper.  So long, bumper stickers.
- Currently driving a Kia Optima rental.  It’s white and bitchin’… just like me.

I’ve heard it said that to start anything requires a certain willing suspension of disbelief.  You have to allow yourself, on some level, to dare to hope – even in the face of potential disappointment or failure or heartbreak.

What a scary place to live.  There is no guaranteed win.  But thankfully, as a sweet friend recently reminded me, “winning” is not the point.

We might not be fearless, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t be brave.

I want a heart that’s rolled open like a welcome mat.  I’m working on it.

It’s Friday, and there’s no humidity in Colorado, and last night I walked 10 miles instead of my normal 7.  I’ve hung out with friends (I have friends!) the last two nights in a row, and tomorrow I’m taking my family on a date.  It’s a fantastic hair day and I’m caught up on “Lost” and I’m thinking about buying myself some flowers.  I spend each morning before work on my amazing couch with a cup of coffee and some delectable reading, before heading to an office where I stare out at the Denver skyline.  The Honda still starts every time.  Mom’s eyelashes are starting to grow back.  I have plane tickets to go see friends, and have some good ones coming to see me.  I’m happy where I am, and excited for where I’m headed – because what I have outweighs what I lack, and always has.

Lately, I’ve been smiling so much that my cheeks hurt.

I hope you feel the same way, and soak up a weekend full of simple wonders.  My life is full of them – and today, I’m choosing to remember it.

Don’t worry, I’m still here.

Not only am I HERE, but I am not depressed, despondent, or dead, either.  On the contrary, I am very much alive!  Thanks for being concerned, though, ye who have reached out.  I guess I’m just taking my time living life these days.

I have a new favorite song: “See You in the Spring” by the Court Yard Hounds and Jakob Dylan.  The subdued verses bloom into one of the most satisfying choruses I’ve ever heard.

You know how today is May 13th?  That makes yesterday May 12th.  And that makes it all the more astounding that yesterday it SNOWED.  It snowed here in Denver.  In mid-May.  It was actually one of the coldest days since I moved here – or maybe it just felt like it because I was outside at the Rockies game.  In the wintertime.

But here we were – bundled up.  Those are my lovely co-workers, Leigh and Gina.  And that is me in Gina’s boys’ x-large snowboarding jacket.  The Rockies won in the bottom of the 10th with a home run.  By that time, we couldn’t move our faces.

“Lost” is almost over – over forever.  Since I don’t own a TV, most Tuesday nights I go to the gym in hopes of one of the sets being tuned to ABC, fully prepared to elliptical my ass off (literally, hopefully) for the entire 60 minutes.  Usually, though, 24 Hour Fitness does not have ABC on – and I’m way too terrified to change the channel in front of all of the scary men glued to SportsCenter.  So I wind up watching “Lost” online later.

If you haven’t watched the episode from Tuesday night, don’t worry – no spoilers here.  Except, I will say one thing: Allison Janney is one crazy mofo.  I LOVE HER.  Such a freak.

Last night, a guy asked me if I would refer to a certain movie as a “romantic comedy.”  I informed him that we well-seasoned ladies call them “RoCos,” thank you very much.

The other night, I was lying in bed when I saw a SPIDER crawl out from under the sheets.  I quickly killed it – but I didn’t scream.  I just went on reading.  And I slept in the bed.  This, I believe, is what we call “progress.”

Some people pay off their student loans.  I buy plane tickets to people’s weddings.  I can’t help it, though – I love these friends.

You know who else I love?  My family.  And tomorrow, I will slide behind the wheel of the 20-year old Honda to drive to Kansas City once again to be with them.  Nine hours there on Friday, and nine hours back on Sunday – a straight-shot on I-70.  Remind me to renew my AAA before 5am tomorrow morning.

It’s feeling more and more difficult to use this space to express anything of substance.  I used to pour my heart out onto this blog, exposed for all the world to see, my inner-most sentiments laid bare for any passerby to interpret however they wished.  But in the three years that I’ve kept this site, I’ve been learning that while honesty is the best policy, it’s not always meant for the masses – and that certain things should be saved for those precious few who are closest to me.

So unless I’m blogging about my undergarments or confessing my fascination with Lady Gaga, sometimes it’s hard to know what to share.

For example, yesterday, I had a melt-down.  Like, a full-on, forehead-to-desk sob fest.

Did my heart get broken?  Did I get horrible news?  Did I go bankrupt?  Did someone ask when my baby is due?

I wish.  At least then this melt-down would have been legitimate.

Oh no, friends – I was just feeling overwhelmed by life – life, and feeling inadequate.  I could say a lot more about why I was feeling inadequate, but I realize that the pressure we women put on ourselves to be extraordinary in every area of our lives is ridiculous – and damn it, Elizabeth Gilbert thinks so, too.  So there.

Anyway, I hope that you’ll stick with me as I continue to navigate what to say in this space, and in the meantime, settle for the little details from my life – like the fact that last night, I bought a fancy ruffly tank top from T.J. Maxx, only to get home and discover that it was a romper.

What’s a romper?

Something that I should never, ever wear: a tank top with sewn-in short-shorts.

At least I didn’t say “sewn-in crotch.”

… in reverse order:

Christmas (duh)

Thanksgiving (double duh)

A destination-to-be-determined trip in October

Kyle & Emily’s wedding

Josh & Meg’s wedding

A visit from Christina

A mountain climbing vacation…

… with these dear boys

Brook & Cara’s wedding

A Gretchen Peters show

A visit from Josh & Meredith

Sarah’s college graduation

A Sugarland concert

And, of course, being present in the moment, whatever it is that I’m doing.  Right?  Right.

Steady on.

Last week, my sister-in-law lost her dad.  My nephews lost a grandpa.  And all of the Parsons lost a man who has been family for the past 9 years.

Today, Kent McElroy will be laid to rest in a cemetery in Missouri.  A few weeks ago, he chose his plot, and bought kites to be delivered after his death, asking that Jeremy and Ashley take Micah and Tyler to fly them next to his grave.  He knew that he was leaving.  If he could have willed himself to stay, he would have – but cancer does not honor our will, our wishes, our fight.

It is cruel.  It is callous.  And in its aftermath, it tempts me to be the same.

But Kent was the opposite.  He was generous, and positive, and selfless.  In the face of terminal, inoperable cancer, his heart was continually for God, and for others.  He touched so many in his 56 years – and never so many as in his last one.

I was in Kansas City last week to say goodbye.  It’s so hard to see death up close – painful, and terribly sad.  But it’s also an enormous privilege to be invited into that precious time.  I will never forget it.

Hearts are broken today.  They will be for a long, long time – and maybe forever, because I don’t know that we ever “get over” the loss of a loved one.  I think of my sweet sister-in-law Ashley, and how the mountains of her heart have slid into the sea – how nothing will ever be the same again, how nothing COULD ever be the same again.

But, as the Heidelberg Catechism says, my only comfort in life and in death is that I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.  I believe that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (II Cor. 5:8).  And even when I can’t see it or feel it, I have faith – and faith, no matter how small, is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1).

Monday
I saw Patty Griffin on Monday night with Rachel, the cutest date ever.  We walked the mile and a half downtown to the theater, which made us feel very city-like.

But I’ll be honest: after all of my anticipation and excitement, I was kind of disappointed in the show.  The set list consisted almost entirely of her new album, “Downtown Church,” which is not my favorite, and the only “extra” songs she did were “Heavenly Day” and “Up to the Mountain.”

Patty.  Where was “Moses”?  Where was “Trapeze”?  Where was “Goodbye,” the song that I wanted to hear more than anything?  Where were “Long Ride Home,” and “Icicles,” and “Top of the World,” and “Burgundy Shoes,” and “Peter Pan”?  I wanted to WEEP, Patty!  I was ready to cry – fully prepared – anxiously anticipating some emotional catharsis… but I wound up relatively unmoved.

Sigh.  There’s always next time.  And, as Patty sings, “Everybody needs a little forgiveness.”

Tuesday
Have you ever done MeetUp.com?  Sketchy, right?  Well, “sketchy” has never stopped me.  I read about a running group on MeetUp.com, and ran with them for the first time on Tuesday night.

You know that scary moment where you walk up to a group of people, and you’re all alone, and no one really says hi, but that’s probably because none of THEM know each other either, and everyone feels equally awkward, so you all try to mask it by stretching and fidgeting with your iPods and looking at the sky?  It was… uncomfortable.  But then we ran 5.2 miles, and went for beers afterward.  I brought my A-game, and talked to every stranger within earshot.

Maybe I’ll go again.

Wednesday
On Wednesday night, I cooked a gourmet meal.  No, seriously.  This could have gone for $27 a plate at a restaurant.  Mediterranean salmon on a bed of wilted spinach featuring kalamata olives and golden raisins, topped with a balsamic and honey glaze.

I KNOW.

My friend Jenn from high school came over, and we drank a bottle of wine and dined like Greek goddesses.

Thursday
I went to the most ghetto Wal-Mart in the history of mankind.  I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to make it out without being shot in the face – or at least contracting a staph infection.

Friday
Ah, yes.  Friday.  This is today.  Good Friday.

Mom is finishing her fifth and final round of chemo with the Ifex and Adria drugs – something that no one has completed at this cancer center before, because she is the Valedictorian of Cancer Ass-Kicking, really – and will be unhooked from the pumps tomorrow.

I’m so proud of her.