If you happen to be one of the people who has attempted communication with me recently and heard nothing in reply, I AM SO SORRY.  I owe you a more personal apology at some point – but for now, I am just trying to dig myself out.

Sometimes, all we can do just has to be “good enough.”  I look forward to the day when I can do well again – when I have time to read and write and think and dream, when I can fill up my spirit, when I can work toward some things that I find important, when I can be witty and quick and heartfelt, when I can catch up with people.

But lately, all I can summon the brainpower to do is to sit staring at the dining room wall and spelling the word “queue” out loud.

Q-U-E-U-E.   Q-U-E-U-E.   Q-U-E-U-E.

Instead of reading my words, I highly recommend that you go read my friend Sarah’s story.  She has posted every day this week, and has kept me on the edge of my seat.  Start with Part 1, and then move to Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5.  I am flattened by her candor, and inspired by her courage.

I try to avoid posts like this, because I don’t want to assume that people other than my mom are interested in the minutia of my every day life.  But the truth is that my creativity, energy, and brainpower are currently being channeled elsewhere, and I cannot find the time nor the lucidity to pull together anything semi-intelligent-sounding.

Although I did say “lucidity.”  So.  There’s that.

-    I’m going to the Y every night around 8:30 or 9, and I have rediscovered my love of working out at night, like I did when I lived in Seattle.  It’s amazing, and fits with my natural clock and rhythm.
-    I am approaching the 4-month marker in my new job, and let me just say that starting a job in which one has no previous experience is difficult.  I hate not feeling completely competent, and my brain is saturated with new information every single day.  But I am working hard, and starting to feel like I sort of comprehend what’s going on – not to mention, I work with some very wonderful people (SHOUT OUT, Emma!).  So, heigh-ho.
-    The Facebook fast is going well, and is enabling me to have somewhat of a “soul sabbatical.”  I was worried that apart from Facebook, I wouldn’t know what’s happening in the world – but actually?  It’s kind of nice not to know.  (Unless there is something important going on in YOUR life that I should know about – in which case, please tell me!)
-    Without a steady stream of Facebook notifications being sent to my inbox, I get basically zero emails anymore – but the few that I do get are amazing.  Val writes particularly sensational messages.  We’ve had quite the volley of emails going back and forth this week.
-    For those of you who ARE on Facebook, you should look up Souder Photography.  Their stuff is pretty amazing, and you might see a familiar face in the Musicians/Artists album…
-    For the first time since November, I have the beginnings of some new songs – and this makes me so happy, I cannot even say.
-    Some recent keywords that have led people to this blog: “how could a man make a woman feel more feminine,” “flirting her hanky,” and “by myself housesitter mirror pants.”  What am I writing about?  And why on earth are you still here?
-    I cannot believe I’m saying this, but yesterday, I was so thankful that I lived in Nashville instead of Seattle.
-    Tonight, I’m flying to California for another wedding – this time, my friend Sheryl and her Ukrainian sweetie, Vadym.  For almost 2 years, I thought that Vadym’s name was Roma.  I have no idea how that happened, but there it is.  I’ve known Sheryl for 25 years; for you mathematicians, that is 92.5% of my life.

I’ll be back next week to regale you with stories from the weekend – vodka toasts and… whatever else I learn to be particularly “Ukrainian.”

Well.

What now?

What if life isn’t a checklist?

What if it’s more about (as AnnieBlogs says) the process?

What if it’s more about (as, um, Miley Cyrus says) the climb?

I don’t quite know where to go from here.

Here at the Emma shop, some serious gems get forwarded along; after all, email IS our native tongue.  As I am 1) a fan of the internet, and 2) feeling completely unoriginal 2) a giver, I thought I would pass along some of my favorites.

Brought to you by my co-workers:
1)    The world’s most amazing movie trailer.
2)    The Tone Matrix.  I could do this for hours.  Who am I kidding?  I DO do this for hours.
3)    If you get nightmares easily, do not look here.

I told you.

- – - – - – - -

My sister Becca put a spike through her face.  Just one more example of how different we are… and how she can make absolutely anything look cute.

- – - – - – - -

Debbie’s curry hummus ranks among the top 5 things I have ever tasted.

- – - – - – - -

Whitney is a girl I’ve never met, but her writing is absolutely lovely.  She left a comment on Monday’s post that I believe is worth highlighting:

“We do what we love because love stretches us even when it’s hard. Even when routine threatens our own boredom and we feel a lack of inspiration that threatens suffocation. We do what we love because love is the point, even and especially when we don’t feel it. Because loving and acting out of love when the feelings aren’t there reminds us that love isn’t a feeling, and we aren’t a chaos of emotion wrapped in a thin layer of skin. We continue to do what we love because, even if it’s music, even if it’s a relationship, even if it’s writing, even if it’s weaving, we remember that love isn’t about what we get out of it. Love teaches us, in desert, in valley, as well as mountaintop.”

I am so lucky.  Here are some reasons why:

1)    I work for a company that values good coffee, and shuns the typical bitter office grounds.  I’ve completely stopped making coffee at home, because there is an endless supply of the good stuff here at work.
2)    Greta left the world’s best video message on my Facebook wall last night.  If you’re my Facebook friend, you should go watch it right this second.  If you’re not my Facebook friend – uh, what are you waiting for?
3)    I spent 4 ½ hours recording vocals last night with Josh and Meg.  Piece by piece, little by little, I am putting together songs.  How many people get to do that?  Okay fine, BESIDES in Nashville?
4)    Tonight, I am seeing my entire family in Kansas City – everyone but littlest sister Sarah.  Because you want to know where Sarah is?  Read this.  And now tell me: don’t YOU feel lucky, too?  I am so proud of her.
5)    After this weekend, I will have earned a FREE FLIGHT on Southwest.  And you know what that means: 4 free drink coupons.

Peace out.

And… peace in.

Finally.

If you’re regularly on the World Wide Internet, which most of us are, then I’m sure that you’ve already seen these two videos.  But if you haven’t, you should: two of the most influential songs from my childhood, brought to life in a new way.  Both made me all teary eyed.

Sometimes I wonder what true, true love looks like.  And I think it looks like this, and this.  It’s not the sexy fantasy that we are conditioned to expect; it is deeper, and quieter, and messier.  And, oddly enough, better.  Not that I would know, or anything, but – you know.  It sounds like.

And speaking of twos, here are two of my favorite “Twos.”

The roomies, Mel and Julie.

The nephews, Tyler and Micah.

Have a fantastic two days of weekend!

The way I see it,

1) If a guy is interested in me, he should have the guts – spine – balls – to do something about it.

2) If he is interested in me and does NOT have the guts – spine – balls – to do something about it, then he’s not really someone I want to be with anyway.

3) If he is not interested in me, he is not asking me out.

In any case, I leave it up to him.  It’s as simple as that.

(Andy Merrick, you know I love you – you and your many, many words on the subject.  Are you ever going to finish your series, slacker?)

We are 12 days away from the dreaded transition to digital TV – although it’s not so much of a “transition” as it is a “bitch slap.” A belly-flop straight into the lavas of hell.

No, I did not purchase a converter box. It’s not that worth it to me. But I will miss my morning news shows – because what better way to wake up than with Diane and Robin, Chris and Sam? I could always go downstairs to our gigantic television of ungodly proportions, the one that’s hooked up to the cable signal. But in the morning, I prefer watching my tiny screen in the privacy of my Princess Tower Bedroom – in which there is no cable cord.

I have 12 more days of bliss.

This morning, I flipped from “Good Morning America” (my favorite) to “The Today Show” (my not-as-favorite, but more-favorite than “The Early Show”) just in time to see this story about Patrick Thibodeau. I bawled my eyes out. Involuntary crying. Not just hot eyes – HUGE crocodile tears spilling down my cheeks. Some things are just like that for me – I cannot, no matter how hard I try, keep it together.

Other things I cannot watch without crying:
- The last 10 minutes of “Homeward Bound”
- The final scene in any inspirational Disney sports movie (“Remember the Titans,” “Miracle,” “The Rookie”)
- Any movie that ends in the wild-animal-become-pet being returned to the wild
- The Oprah episode in which she reunites the long-separated Rwandan family
- Kerri Strug sticking the landing
- And as much as it pains me to admit it… “MOVE! THAT! BUS!!”

- – - – - – -

And now – the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Drumroll, please…

And the winner is:

My 8th comment was left by hollyandmeagan, but who’s to say whether it was Holly or Meagan? Whichever one of you borrows her roommate/bestfriend/co-blogger’s underwear, get ready for a beautiful Valentine made by Anna Marie. You should probably give it to your roommate/bestfriend/co-blogger.

Every morning at work, I park the old Honda in a garage, and then walk down 3 flights of stairs, across a little driveway, between some dumpsters, and then let myself in the back door by the loading dock using my key card. It’s not glamorous – especially when someone consistently leaves his or her fast-food trash in the stairwell.

This happens frequently – I will find a Wendy’s bag and a jumbo cup sitting in the middle of a stair. Just sitting. It almost looks like someone left it there for later, except… ewww. Apparently there is no janitorial service in the stairwells of the parking garage, because the same Wendy’s bag will sit there for days, and days, and days – hundreds of business people stepping over it every hour.

Last night after work, I saw the same trash I had seen in the morning. Except now, there was a Post-It note on the cup that said, “Whoever the slob is that left this, pick it up and throw it away.”

This morning, it’s still there.

I don’t know whether to be annoyed at the slob, or at the passive-aggressive note-leaver. Currently, I am equal parts both.

- – - – - – - -

This morning, I received an email from a friend. My inbox view gives me a little preview line of the message, and this is what the preview read:

“Oh yeah, I decided you should be a columnist for a music magazine. You already have a killer body”

I did a triple-take.

And then I opened up the actual message, and finished the sentence: “… of work.” Dang it.

- – - – - – - -

I ran 7 miles on Sunday. I’m having lunch with this Annie today. Jeremy and Ashley come tomorrow. Sarah gets married on Saturday. Megan’s playing the Bluebird on Sunday. I’m recording with Josh next week. Greta just bought a ticket to come in 2 ½ weeks (squeeeeeeeee!!). I have my favorite plan ever for Valentine’s Day. I love my friends. I love my roommates. My car keeps starting. My coffee pot percolates every morning. I had delicious soup last night. I bought new fuchsia sheets for $12 at Target. In the midst of a lot of uncertainty, I am choosing to be grateful for all the good things – and there are many.

I just looked back on the entry I wrote one year ago today, when I had finished my 4 month road-trip, was less than a month into my life in Nashville, didn’t really know anyone here, and had just returned from a weekend visit to Seattle. And I am happy to say that, even through the hard times and anxiety and fear, yes, it’s good.