I’ve heard that activity on online dating sites soars after the holidays.
As one who currently does not have a profile on any dating site (despite having spent some quality time on every available platform in the past – and probably will again in the future), I say good on you. If you’ve declared 2015 the year of finding love, I wish you more of Cupid’s arrows than you know what to do with.
By no means am I a dating aficionado. That very thought deserves a literal LOL. But in 2014, I went on my fair share of dates – maybe more than any other year in my life thus far. And I learned a few things. And because I am known as a Lady of Wisdom (again, literal LOL – and why can there not be a Sarcasm font?), I am here to bestow on you Hootenannie’s Dating Tips. LOL. LOL.
- Get a puppy. Instant conversation starter. But…
- Do not go out with men from the dog park. You need that place too much to want to avoid it later.
- If Tinder were space travel, you’d be at Pluto sooner than you’d think (i.e. three days). Despite how it feels in the beginning, the options are actually quite finite. And then you reach the end. And you realize, “THERE IS NO MAN FOR ME IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE” (i.e. 50 mile radius).
- If someone is sending you mixed signals, it’s actually just one signal: run for your life. Mixed signals are the equivalent of multiplying by zero: no matter how positive, times it by zero and you wind up with nothing.
- Do not spend the better part of a year emotionally entangled with a person who has no intention of dating you – even if he is the best texter you know. Listen, I grew up in church youth group, which means that at age 14 I made a “Husband List” (just to keep the LOLs rolling). And I’m here to tell you that not even googly-eyed teenage girls put “good texter” on their List.
- If he doesn’t want to date you, do not listen to “I Can’t Make You Love Me” on repeat while drinking wine and envisioning your bleak future of solitude.
- If she doesn’t want to date you, don’t send her snarky texts in the middle of the night and defriend her on Facebook before she’s even awake for the day. Take it like a man, because God knows I’m trying to.
- A breakup is like a broken bone: set it, and then don’t mess with it.
- Confidence will get you further than looks. Just look at Tom Petty.
- Never, under any circumstances, assume that the man is her cousin.
- No matter what, keep hoping. Because just like Fievel says, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
Now go forth and date. Be your wonderful self, and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you laugh. But maybe be open to someone shorter than you imagined when you wrote your Husband List. I’ll be here on my couch with Foxy cheering you on.