Homeless, not hopeless
The housing options continue to line up, and then get knocked over like dominos. It is frustrating. It is disappointing. I think that my favorite thing in the world is having a home – and this is magnified by the fact that I have not had a home, a real home with my stuff set out the way that I want it, a haven that is all my own, since June.
My stuff is in boxes. It’s in boxes here in Nashville, it’s in boxes in Kansas City, it’s in boxes in friends’ crawl spaces in Seattle. My clothes are in suitcases and laundry baskets and duffel bags. My books are packed in with my linens and dishes. I don’t know where my coffee grinder is. I want to unpack and spread out and organize my life. I want to hang my pictures on a wall. I want to put my magnets on the fridge. I want to color-code my closet.
The other night, I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited to go check out a studio apartment that sounded so promising. I lay awake for hours, envisioning how I would set up shop. The hardwood floors, the big windows, the spacious kitchen – it all sounded so lovely and perfect. But yesterday, when I popped in to look at the space, my jaw fell to the floor. It was ghetto. It was dirty. It was run-down and dingy. It was cold, and uninviting, and tiny. I am one who can envision “the possibilities,” but this place left me feeling like I’d been kicked in the teeth. It was not at all what I had pictured. I walked out and got in my car, the closest thing to “home” I have known for over 6 months now, and cried.
Yesterday, I told a friend, “I’ve always said that God will provide me with what I need when I need it. But I need a place to live, and I’m just not finding it.” I felt so disheartened.
But then, last night, while watching the awful American Idol auditions with Grant, it dawned on me. A few months ago, I didn’t even know Grant. I had no way of knowing that I’d be living in his spare room right now. Back in October, when I was praying that God would prepare a place for me here in Nashville, I had no way of knowing that THIS is where I would land.
But here I am. Right now, God is answering the prayers that I prayed all through the fall. I have a place to stay. I have a warm, comfy bed, and plenty of space to put my boxes. I have a shower. I have my egg on toast every single morning. I have a place to live, even if it’s just for now.
I continue to pray that God would provide me with a place of my own – the exact right home for me. In the right location. For the right price. With little unforeseen details that might even delight me. And I anticipate the day when I can look back on this time, and recognize that God was faithful all along.