Lip service


Dear Burt’s Bees,

I don’t know what to say. I am utterly flummoxed. After years of faithful service, you have let me down.

How could you? HOW COULD YOU? Did you want to cause me havoc and harm? Kick my 2008 off to a despicable start? Or, worse yet, did you think this was a good idea?

Today, I have been all over town – department stores, major shopping complexes, groceries, strip malls – and every place I have found the same deplorable truth: you no longer produce Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer in “Coffee.”

Oh, you try to make it look like you are still a reputable organization. You have your flimsy little cardboard stands full of Lip Shimmer in various asinine shades: Champagne, Watermelon, Rhubarb, GUAVA. You even have the nerve to carry “Toffee,” causing my hopes to shoot through the roof. But the wishful “C” quickly morphs back into the actual “T,” sending my good faith plummeting back down to earth, where, apparently, dreams wither and die like fish in hot dirt.

But I’m a big girl. I do what I need to do. I bucked up right there in the middle of Whole Foods Market, and purchased your Lip Shimmer in “Papaya,” the closest thing I could find to the flawless “Coffee” shade. However, I’ll have you know that I also purchased “Blaze” by Alba, which, if I’m not mistaken, is your arch-rival when it comes to lip gloss. Take that.

May your 2008 bring you new brains and new management.

Kisses – blazing Alba kisses,



  1. Sarah on January 2, 2008 at 7:38 PM

    I like reading your blog because you teach me new words like “asinine”. Extremely stupid or foolish.

  2. graham r on January 2, 2008 at 11:28 PM

    the internet is only as weird as the person who wields it… oh nick frisby!

    i must tell you, nick pulled me aside at our new years eve party to attempt solving the mystery of ‘annie parsons.’ why he picked me i’ve yet to discover. but were we right… you found nick through me via rachel?

  3. Nicolas Frisby on January 2, 2008 at 11:54 PM

    I apologize for any wierdness I have inflicted. Amends?

    FYI: I have subscribed to your blog because it’s been really fun to read. I hope you see that as the beginnings of a fun internet acquaintance more so than even more creepiness.

  4. graham r on January 3, 2008 at 11:10 AM

    I don’t know… new to a big city… frequently getting ‘lost in cyberspace’… you seem like a prime candidate for World of Warcraft!

    I hope Nashville is a place where dreams become reality!

  5. Greta on January 3, 2008 at 2:49 PM

    I give up. My blog will never be as hilarious, clever, or frequent as your blog. You are so funny Annie. Please keep blogging until you are 83. Set a blogging world record. Be the blogging Oprah.

  6. ~lady j on January 4, 2008 at 12:48 AM

    i agree wholeheartedly with greta. :) and “wither and die like fish in hot dirt” is so far the best simile of 2008.
    i am frella excited that you are almost here. drive safely! :)

  7. Shannon on January 4, 2008 at 3:08 PM

    I want you to know that after reading your blog yesterday, I had a dream that I was sifting through burt bee’s lip balm and was frantic about finding the ‘coffee’ shade…your transported me there!

    You are a blogger goddess Annie Parsons.

  8. Anonymous on January 7, 2008 at 4:13 PM

    LAUGH OUT LOUD, ANNIE! This is Megan Brady and I just recently got your blog address and have been LOLing to the point of embarassment at my desk at work. Only because I have gone on almost identical searches for other totally pointless items that I happen to be particular about (like my 3 month long search for the perfect august-august planner).

  9. Beth on January 8, 2008 at 10:38 AM

    Annie, I thought of this post when I learned that Burt’s Bees was recently purchased by Clorox. Perhaps that’s why you are missing your beloved “Coffee” flavor!

  10. […] When you show up here on Fridays, do you expect a new entry of (Bosom) Friend Fridays?  And if a new one isn’t posted, do you want to claw your face off?  Because when I have an expectation that isn’t met, I want to claw my face off. […]

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