I am particular. I am complicated. I am high-maintenance.
I readily admit these things about myself. But in recent weeks, I have been reminded of these things by those closest to me. It doesn’t feel good. I become defensive and sensitive, and rapidly look for other things to distract me or fill me or cheer me up.
But then I step back and realize that these things are true, and perhaps I have not had my priorities in order. I talk about my feelings instead of releasing them to God. I seek to control rather than trust. I smile sarcastically and entertain and feign confidence, when all the while I am shriveling up inside.
And so it’s time for a bit of a detox.
This blog has been a big part of my life for over a year now. Some wonderful things have come out of its existence, and I am absolutely grateful for the friendships and connections I have made. But I think that I’ve made it too important in my life. I’m going to take a little break from the blogosphere – a few weeks? A month? I’m not sure. I’ll be back when it feels right.
During this time, I’m also giving up alcohol and carbs, which will assuredly make me into a stark-raving bitch. Be glad that I’m going underground.
Things I will continue to do:
1) Go to work.
2) Go on walks.
3) Eat fruits and veggies and protein.
4) Talk to my mom on the phone.
I will also continue to read your blogs daily, so keep at it.
I am not suicidal. I am not homicidal. Please do not feel the need to send Search & Rescue after me – I will emerge on the other side of this in one piece, I promise. But in the meantime, I am craving some quiet, and the space to feel – good or bad – and rest for my weary, weary heart.
I’ve heard that after the darkness, we often emerge with a newfound creativity, life-force, peace, and sense of purpose. Here’s hoping.
Let The Big Silence begin.