Phone woe


My cell phone plan is with Verizon – because yes, I can hear you now.

The best phone I’ve ever had is the LG 8300 – the flip-phone of GLORY, that’s what.  It was perfect – curved naturally to the shape of my face, easy to find at the bottom of a bottomless purse, navigable.

No, it wasn’t as cool as an iPhone.  Sure, I had to text my name “2 – 66 – 66 – 444 – 33.”  Yes, I felt like a loser when I had to ask what an “app” was.

But the LG 8300 was like my 1990 Honda Accord in that, although brokeass and jankety, it never let me down.  I loved it so much that I kept it for 4 years – longer than I’ve ever had a boyfriend or an apartment or a job.  But this summer, it started to freak out, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before it died completely.  So in September, I threw a hissy fit, prayed the Serenity Prayer, and drove myself to the worst place on earth – the Verizon store – to get a new phone.

People.  I have no words to describe how much I hate my new phone.

It’s a Samsung slab of horror.

I hate it more than I hate peas, more than I hate Nashville summers, more than I hate superfluous exclamation points.  I don’t hate it as much as I hate animal abuse, or, you know, WAR.  But it’s up there.

This phone is to me as Toby is to Michael Scott.

The buttons are tiny and hard to press.  The font on the screen is ugly.  Anytime I want to do anything, I have to press two magical buttons to “unlock” it.  It has horrid ringtones.  Anything I try to do, it does the opposite.  It’s too skinny to find in my purse.  Sometimes I accidentally hit a button on the side and it starts talking.  The fact that it even exists makes me want to scream.

And, well.  That’s all.

I guess I’ll go to work now.



  1. Ginger Morby on December 13, 2010 at 9:35 AM

    I have owned the Samsung Slab of Horror for a year and a half. I would like to tell you it gets better with age… but I’m just counting down to June 2011.

  2. Karlie on December 13, 2010 at 9:37 AM

    I have the same phone and it is HORRIBLE. I got it because it was free, and now I’m stuck with it like super glue on your fingers for days.

  3. Erin on December 13, 2010 at 9:50 AM

    Oh man. I still have a flip phone, and the other day a friend of mine looked at it, wrinkled his nose and said, “WHY do you have that thing?” But I love it.

  4. Greta on December 13, 2010 at 10:12 AM

    Can you change the font? Try looking under settings…?

    An aesthetic boost might make it a little less hideous… Although “as Toby is to Michael Scott”– those are strong words indeed…

  5. Kerry on December 13, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    Annie Parsons, you make me laugh like no other!! Thanks for making my day complete… And for the record, I would rather Christmas shop on Black Friday at 3 am at Wal-Mart that enter a Verizon store. Seriously. I hate it.

  6. Deborah Barnett on December 14, 2010 at 12:18 AM

    isn’t there at least a 30 day exchange policy? I bet if you went back to Verizon and batted your baby browns… they’d let you pick out a shiny new phone.

  7. Deborah Barnett on December 14, 2010 at 12:21 AM

    oops… sorry. I meant your baby greens. Or your baby hazels.

  8. Danielly Nobile on December 14, 2010 at 1:42 AM

    Thank you for the office visuals. After watching the clips I am pretty sure I understand just how you feel toward that new phone.

    P.S. I also have a 4 year old LG (my second phone ever – it doesn’t even have a camera) that I would not trade for anything…but I will eventually have to trade it because it is falling apart.

  9. Tad on December 14, 2010 at 8:19 PM

    I have the LG version of that phone. I thought the keyboard would make texting easier. NOT. SO. It make my hands hurt. It may be giving me carpel-tunnel.

    You should be able to use mp3s for ring tones if you get a micro SD card for your phone. There’s not enough on-board memory to house files that large.

  10. Atley on August 9, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS PHONE! I’ve had it forever and its my baby :D

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