How to cut up a pineapple


I’ve known Roommate Hannah since childhood. In fact, here’s a picture of her and me from the days of yore.

That’s us at ages 10 and 15. This was around the time that Hannah thought that “Les Miserables” was, in fact, “Lame is Rob” – which is basically the best thing I have ever heard.

Anyway, Hannah is good at all sorts of things that I’m not good at – like sports and computers and wearing Nike shoes. She also knows how to cut up a pineapple – and yesterday, I made her teach me how.

Step 1: Cut off the top. Those leaves are spiky. Don’t bleed all over the fruit.

Step 2: Cut off the bottom. Now it should be shaped like a barrel. If it’s not shaped like a barrel, then you didn’t cut off the top and the bottom correctly and you probably don’t deserve to hold a knife.

Step 3: Cut the barrel in half, length-wise. Top to bottom. Longitudely, not latitudely.

Step 4: Cut the two halves in half again. Count up all of your halves – you should have four. Yes, four halves make a whole and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Step 5: It’s time to cut off the core. The only reason you would want to save the core is if you wanted to make a smoothie or if you are a giraffe. Otherwise, you are not allowed to keep it.

Step 6: Cut the four halves in half again. Now you will have eight, and fine, I’ll stop calling them “halves.”

I will call them “boats” instead.

Step 7: Take each boat and slice the flesh (HELLO, CLARICE) into… you know, slices. But don’t cut all the way through the rind, because look at Step 8.

Step 8: Cut off the rind.

Voila – now you have perfect little pineapple pieces – and, in my case, 15 years on the Annie that was pictured earlier in this post.  How has half a lifetime gone so quickly?

Maybe the better question is, how have almost 30 years passed without me ever having to cut up a pineapple?



  1. Whitney on April 2, 2012 at 9:22 AM

    Absolutely brilliant. I always thought victory tastes like pineapples.

    Hope all is well.

  2. Debbie Barnett on April 2, 2012 at 10:13 AM

    Your first 15 years and second 15 years are the two halves of your life. Or, cut them in half again making it 7.5 years… or rather, the four halves of your life.

    So, your life is like a pineapple. Ahhhh, symbolism. :)

  3. Bree Jeffries on April 2, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    Someone needs to pin this to pinterest. Okay, it will be me.

  4. Delaney on April 2, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    Oh, my heart simply sings with pride!

  5. Denise on April 2, 2012 at 8:07 PM

    Umm, this was VERY educational. Also, I have the dress you are wearing in the blue pattern. We are awesome.

  6. mom on April 3, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    AND, I am eating pineapple every chance I can get over here in Kauai!

    Coincidence? I think not. We are connected!

  7. kate on April 3, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    Um… I totally vote you can eat the middle… although until recently I wouldn’t have… something I learned from my roommate

  8. rebekah on April 4, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    i agree 100% with kate. the hard center core has always been my favorite part of the pineapple!

  9. Pamela on April 5, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    The core is my favorite part!!! My dad used to save it for me because he knew how much I liked to walk around and gnaw on it on the farm.

    Yes, I am from the South…

  10. jodie_velour on April 23, 2012 at 12:56 PM

    lame is rob!!!

    that may be the best misnomer that ever was! i like this girl.

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