This is my brain
No drugs required.
I have 5 different possible directions to take this post, all of which are saved as fragments of Word documents on my desktop. I have been trying to write for days, but quite frankly, everything that is coming out is baloney. All I can do is stare at the wall.
Y’all, I am exhausted. And when I am exhausted, I get super pessimistic and woebegone. Another car honks at me, and I burst into tears. I find myself presented with chocolate peanut butter brownies, and immediately eat 4. And then I eat half a frozen pizza. And tortilla chips. And maybe some cream cheese on a spoon. My mind wanders when it should be focused, and I am serious when I should be playful. When I feel overwhelmed, human interaction is the first thing I cut out. I criticize my body, my abilities, my decisions.
I do not like who I become when I am exhausted. And I do not like how other people experience me when I am exhausted.
So I’ve been staying quiet.
I’ve been writing in this open venue long enough to know that there are certain things that I should not share. There are certain times that I should not write publicly. There are certain emotions that should not be accessible to just anyone.
I make my insides far too available.
But I’m learning to protect my heart, trusting it only to those who have earned it.
So forgive my silence as a simple act of self-preservation.
share:
Oh Annie…
*Hug.*
where’s the toast for that fried egg?
we love you Annie!
And even in your silence you are poetic and wise. I love your words. And I love you!
And…when another car honks at you, they are probably trying to tell you they think you’re cute!
Yeah, they’re into your ass-ets:) So what you’re saying is your brain has a lot of nutrients and substance? The best form of protein to fill us up and keep us going on hard days? That’s what I thought.
p.s. when you become a mom, get a nanny for the first few months, b/c otherwise you’ll be in that pit a lot. At least I was. I’m a wreck when I’m exhausted, downright suicidal, no kidding. Scary.
BUT, after the darkest night, comes the dawn; now CB can sleep 12 hours straight almost, after just a few miserable months. So there’s hope. How differently would we live in the hard times if we knew about that hope? Press on sister.
I am in the same exact place. THanks for reminding me that I am not alone – or mentally ill.
I totally agree, the blogosphere is not the venue for everything. I try to stay away from the old blog when I get cranky or angry or sad or frustrated. Hmmm… this would explain why I only blog about once a week.
On the upside, it looks like you’re really good at cooking eggs.
boy do i hear ya. I’ve been feeling a lot like Goodman Brown lately. I’m on that same journey in the woods and i can’t really find my way – but it’s not a journey i can really share with others, i just need to do it with the Big Man. The silence has been helpful for me.
Yes hugs to you. I hope you can spend the weekend only doing what fills you with life, even if that is doing nothing. It’s not wasted time.
I certainly feel ya, Annie. I hope things clear up and the sun comes out for you.
i’m just going to copy and paste this entry into my journal. you wrote word for word how i feel these days. you just say it a lot more eloquently than i would. praying for you today! XOXO