If eyes cleansed with tears see the most clearly, then today, I have perfect vision.

Sometimes, I think that I’ve gotten really good at confessing my tiny faults in hopes that no one will ever suspect nor discover the big ones.  But lately, I’m not very good at hiding them – and as a result, have been pummeled with my rather large, rather imperfect, imperfections.

I guess that’s bound to happen when you exist in relationship with other humans.

We are messy creatures.  I am a messy creature.

And sometimes, it brings a lot of tears.

But I’m learning that the people who stay – the ones who don’t run away when the going gets tough, the ones who listen without trying to fix, the ones who forgive ugly words and flat-lined attitudes and the same old shit that you carry around no matter how your life changes or morphs or moves – are worth anything and everything it takes.

Communication.  Honesty.  Vulnerability.  Compromise.  Effort.  Forgiveness.

I am learning a lot.  And I don’t call them my “starter husbands” for nothing.

– – – – – – – –

My friend Heather (SHOUT OUT) recently told me that this blog is the only “Dear Diary” blog that doesn’t make her want to vomit.  Well, that kind of made me want to vomit, because wait – I don’t write a “Dear Diary” blog, do I?

Who am I kidding.

Enough about my feelings.  I’m changing the subject.

I woke up this morning with 7 spider bites on my thigh, abdomen, and armpit.

I never go to movies, but all of a sudden, I want to see a ton: “Away We Go,” “Harry Potter,” “Where the Wild Things Are,” “Julie and Julia,” “The Time Traveler’s Wife” (you know during the preview where he says, “You have a choice,” and she says, “I never had a choice”?  I LOSE MY MIND), and “500 Days of Summer.”

I wish I had a cute lunch bag.



  1. Andrea on July 21, 2009 at 10:27 AM

    Your first sentence had my own tears flowing.

    The only movie I’ve seen recently is “Sisters Keeper.” It was so sad I thought I was going crazy. Your list is much happier!

  2. megan on July 21, 2009 at 10:37 AM

    i have a cute lunch bag…it’s from ‘built ny’ and i LOVE it…it’s neoprene and striped and so fun (and often gets mistaken for my purse)…you should check out their website.

    (also, can i just say that i never thought that the first comment i left on your blog would be about lunch bags…but better late than never! keep up the honest, intuitive, entertaining work…)

  3. Krissie on July 21, 2009 at 10:44 AM

    I cannot wait for Time Travelers Wife. The first time I read it, my husband came down to check on me because I was crying so hard. I hope it lives up?

  4. Val on July 21, 2009 at 10:51 AM

    Annie. Take the time and treat yourself. GO SEE HARRY POTTER!!!

    It will make you happy. And by extension, me.

  5. Deborah Barnett on July 21, 2009 at 10:58 AM

    we are SOOOOOO overdue for a porch hang. I am headed to the great state of Seattle in the morning (yes, I said state, it’s more than a city, it’s a state of mind)… but when I return can we PLEASE have a porch night? You, me, cheese and a fermented grape or two? Or three?

  6. Emily on July 21, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    Stock up on paper gift bags, or keep ones that people give you. I love carrying my lunch like it is a present. And it is a cheap way to dress up your meal!

    And I love you and all of your faults.

  7. Greta on July 21, 2009 at 1:35 PM

    Just read this in one of my grad school books, “To Know as we are Known” (Parker Palmer):

    A knowledge that springs from love will implicate us in the web of life; it will wrap the knower and the known in compassion, in a bond of awesome responsibility as well as transforming joy; it will call us to involvement, mutuality, accountability. … ‘Love in action,’ said Dostoyevsky, ‘is a harsh and dreadful thing,’ and so it can be. A knowledge that springs from love may require us to change, even sacrifice, for the sake of what we know… It is difficult to love. But if we want a knowledge that will rebind our broken world, we must reach for that deeper passion.”

    Real, actual love that sees– KNOWS– all the ugly bits, all the imperfect imperfections– is difficult. And messy. And hard.

    But it’s the only good kind.

  8. Amelia McNeilly on July 21, 2009 at 4:14 PM

    Hi Annie. Haven’t posted on her in a while, but I am still LOVING the blog. It always makes me happy to read it. Enjoy your movies and please blog and let us know how they are!

  9. Suzie on July 21, 2009 at 7:12 PM

    Can’t wait to see “time travelers wife” too awesome book. Watch those spider bites. Staph infections are often mistaken for spider bites…

  10. Anniebelle (Annie Cho) on July 21, 2009 at 11:18 PM

    Girl, we need to talk! Looks like you’re going through the same stuff I’m going through – suffering the consequences of our imperfections that are unknowingly and uncontrollably seeping through our very carefully dressed facades. Gah!

    I cried a lot, too. Lost 2 “friends.” Lost hope in this city. Considered heading back to Philly. Found that I had a core of growing (and real!) friendships here that were grounded in faith (not in trying to be “cool”). Deepened friendships with others and am learning the meaning of “kindred souls.” Now comes the part of this story where I learn to trust people… again. (I’m still quite shaky here since the friend break-ups). Forgiving the people who’ve hurt me will be a daily endeavor, and one I don’t think I’m strong/capable enough to do just yet or alone (thankfully)… [I saw them at Fido the other day and all I could do was hide, knowing that the very sight of them made my innards jump and the hairs on my arms stand on end.]

    On a brighter note: We’re like movie soulmates, missy! Hahaha… I’m itching to see EVERY ONE OF THOSE MOVIES!!!

  11. ash on July 21, 2009 at 11:38 PM

    I’m thankful to have talked today.
    lots of love.

  12. Carmen Goetschius on July 22, 2009 at 1:57 PM

    I like you, Annie. Shit and all. God, the honest one’s are best anyway. Life is too short for anything but honest.

    BTW, I have a WEIRD, RANDOM, OUT-OF-CHARACTER movie recommendation for your list. I went and saw Hangover. Yes, you read that right. Hangover. And there have been lots of tears in my life lately and there is always room for delicious literature and heart-wrenching documentaries and films, but sometimes you need some entertaining trash. The characters in this movie are funny. Authentically. And Bradley Cooper is H-O-T. Put it on your list and let it lift your spirits for 2 hours– lots of inappropriate moments that are just perfect. Just an idea.

  13. Nicolas on August 10, 2009 at 3:45 PM

    500 days! It was… accurate. And screw Jenny Beckman.

    And I wish you a happy birthday.

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