There’s nothing like being on the brink of a major life decision to make a girl have a meltdown.

Over the weekend, I was working fast and furious toward something that I thought might materialize, only to find out that the dream was dead on arrival. On Monday night, I called my mom in tears – not so much about the thing not working out, but because I was crashing from the adrenalin rush of almost, almost making a significant change.

Big decisions are a big deal whether you’re making them alone or not, but I’m reminded that I don’t always like carrying the full weight of those decisions by myself. Sometimes you just want an arm around your shoulder.

It’s a scary thing to admit that you want something, because all of a sudden, you’re admitting that it matters. And once you admit that something matters, the potential for disappointment exists: if it doesn’t happen, it could hurt.

But these days, I’m wanting – I’m wanting a lot. And I’m learning to admit it. I don’t know where this wanting will lead, but whatever happens, I would rather want and risk pain than be safe but numb.

Today, I’m flying to LA for a crazy-busy few days of work. My hair is looking okay and I’ve done a great job packing my suitcase, which is always a personal victory. I’ll be back in blogging action next week – until then, channel your inner Ariel and don’t be afraid to want something.



  1. Sarah on March 6, 2013 at 3:59 PM

    Nice and the same to you :).

    PS, I quoted you on twitter :).

  2. Greta on March 6, 2013 at 4:24 PM

    “I would rather want and risk pain than be safe but numb.”

    You are so far out of the corner now AP. :) Proud of and inspired by you.

  3. jodie_velour on March 7, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    hope is, i think, the most vulnerable thing in the world.

    i read these words years ago: “either you want to wake up or you want to go to sleep.” your post reminds me of them, because you’re choosing to wake up… and that, while difficult and risky, is so good.

    i think the lie is that numbing/sleeping is less dangerous, less costly. it feels safer, but it’s not really. one is life and one is death, and the irony is that the one that feels safest is the real killer.

  4. Molly R on March 12, 2013 at 12:06 PM

    Have you read The Sacred Romance? It’s been searing my soul as of late, beautifully written and way too true to be comfortable. But the authors talk about wanting, and our society’s seeming urge to smother those deeper yearnings we feel:

    “All our addictions and depressions, the rage that simmers just below the surface of our Christian facade, and the deadness that characterizes so much of our lives has a common root: We think this is as good as it gets. Take away our hope of arrival and our journey becomes the Bataan death march. The best human life is unspeakably sad. Even if we manage to escape some of the bigger tragedies (and few of us do), life rarely matches our expectations. When we do get a taste of what we really long for, it never lasts. Every vacation comes to an end. Friends move away. Our careers don’t quite pan out. Sadly, we feel guilty about our disappointment, as though we ought to be more grateful.
    Of course we’re disappointed — we’re made for so much more. …”If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,” CS Lewis wrote, “the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

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