Secret Santa [NEW SONG]


When I was a kid, my parents never told me that Santa was real. Quite the opposite, in fact: I was always explicitly told that Santa Claus is NOT real. That guy at the mall? Just a man in a costume — and no, you can’t go sit on his lap.

After all, Jesus is the reason for the season — and don’t you know what you get when you rearrange the letters in Santa? SATAN. Just kidding, my parents weren’t that conservative. But when it came to ol’ Kris Kringle, they were always straightforward and no nonsense.

Which is maybe why I’ve always found the idea of Santa to be so… creepy. You mean to tell me that a bearded stranger man is going to climb on my roof — click click click — slide down the chimney, and tiptoe around? He sees me when I’m sleeping? HE SEES ME WHEN I’M SLEEPING??

Nuh uh. No ma’am. I want no part of this.

Here’s a new song, “Secret Santa,” recorded in Nashville a few weeks back with my buddy Jeff Harper (all talent), and dedicated to my fellow holiday cynics. But I do hope it makes you a tiny bit happy, if for no other reason than I made it up in my head while walking through the Minnesota woods, laughing out loud like a madman.

If you’re craving a 2015 throwback, we recorded “Holly Jolly Melancholy Christmas,” too.

And finally, in lieu of a picture of me with Santa, of which there are obviously none, I give you this gem from my friend Duane. It’s just so perfect.

Happy holidays! Always stay awake!




  1. Kelli on December 21, 2016 at 9:57 AM

    You are hilarious. Meanwhile, with Teddy approaching 2 and finally understanding words and concepts, I have had the marvelous revelation of the GENIUS of Santa Claus and the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. It’s totally creepy, and a totally awesome manipulation tool. ;)

  2. Mandy on December 21, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    Pure genius. Love it.

  3. Joyce on December 21, 2016 at 12:04 PM

    I love it!!!!
    You are so hilarious. Is that you singing? Oh my! Beautiful voice!

  4. Deborah Barnett on December 21, 2016 at 12:08 PM

    I love your photo choice. :)

  5. MIranda on December 21, 2016 at 12:34 PM

    Oh goodness, you are amazing. I love it! AND BABY DUANE!

  6. Mrs. Chesney on December 21, 2016 at 12:39 PM

    Just when I think I can’t love you more…xoxo

  7. Michael on December 22, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    You are hilarious! Give it time…you’ll have a “Very Special Hootenannie Christmas” album.

  8. Leigh Kramer on December 24, 2016 at 9:38 AM

    I’m so glad you posted it! It’s seriously been stuck in my head all week. Please write more “twisted” Christmas songs asap. And that photo of Duane and Santa is the best!

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