Too bad

Back in December, a natural gas leak was discovered in the crawl space beneath my house. The inspector from Xcel told me that it wasn’t urgent, and that I could have it repaired at my leisure (pronounced “lehh-zhure” in my mind). So this past Friday, I finally had someone come take a look. He shut…

Arriving home after work last night, I opened the living room curtains to let in some light. There on the windowpane was a spider, which, obviously, is unacceptable. So I grabbed a flip-flop and swatted the glass. And the entire window shattered. I shattered my living room window with a flip-flop – because if there’s…

I woke up this morning with a hospital bracelet on my left hand and a patch of gauze taped to my right. Last night, for the very first time in my life, I had reason to visit the emergency room – and judging by the Vicodin now pumping through my veins, it was nothing short…

On Friday, I dropped my phone and shattered the screen, rendering it useless. Irony is contacting the police to tell them that if they in fact find my stolen vehicle, please don’t call me – call my sister instead. And then I asked, “By the way, any news?” And they said, “No.” On Friday night,…

You have no idea what a numb-face I am right now. Three miserable cavities down.  Many, many more to go. Oh yes.  The initial number was seven, but they are spreading – spreading like tweets about “Inception.”  This is some kind of mysterious, contagious decay that moves from tooth to tooth, and if I don’t…

I know, I know.  Things won’t make me happy.  No matter what I get, things will leave me feeling empty – empty like a Kardashian brain. But let’s just say that it’s Lent, and that for Lent, I gave up frugality. Here’s what I would buy: Charley Harper: An Illustrated Life. This shirt in every…

Sometimes, it’s like this: It’s funny how getting your hopes up can make the disappointment even bigger. Lame.

The kindest thing that anyone could ever do for me would be to do my taxes*. As of this weekend, that makes my dad the nicest person on the planet. But here’s a word to the wise, my friends: do not just assume that you are going to get a tax refund, and then go…

I just got back from the DMV, i.e. The Worst Place On Earth. Actually, I experienced another place this weekend that would rival the DMV for that title: Micro Center. I took my fritzy Macbook to the Apple Store on Saturday, and the self-assuredly dubbed Apple Genius told me that yes, I needed a new…

When I moved to Nashville two years ago, I switched to Bank of America because I never wanted to have to switch my bank account again – so naturally, I chose the bank of AMERICA. It turns out that Bank of America is actually the bank of NOT DENVER. – – – – – –…