I’ll never work(out) in this town again


My parents recently enrolled in a gym called Fitness 19, named such because it’s open 19 hours a day. Oh, Coloradans – you are so clever with your words!

Due to her recent surgeries, Mom hasn’t been to Fitness 19 in awhile, leaving her membership card available to yours truly. My workouts on Saturday and Sunday were awesome, convincing me that I might actually acclimate to Mile High altitude, finally get the runner’s booty, and basically win the Nashville half-marathon that I’m registered for in April. So last night, I went again.

I handed my (mom’s) card to the man behind the counter, and he scanned it. “Thanks, Susan,” he said. I smiled at him, and went to the magazine rack to choose some smut to read while on the treadmill.

“Wait – Susan?”

I froze.

“Susan, I think there’s a problem.”

I slowly turned around and faced him.

“Susan, when is your birthday?”

My mind raced. “June 21.”

“What year?”

Reader, with a straight face, I said, “1955.”

There was a short silence. “You were not born in the fifties.”

And then, some bizarre calm overtook me. Like a sociopath, I cooly stated, “You are right.”

He was serious. “This is not your card.”

Again, conscienceless, “No. It’s my mom’s.”

He was adamant. “You cannot work out using another person’s membership.”

“Okay.” Pregnant pause. “But can I work out right now?”

He let me run for 40 very awkward minutes on the treadmill. I ran like I have never run before. It will be the last that Fitness 19 ever sees of me.



  1. The Bug on December 29, 2009 at 10:53 AM

    That’s hilarious! I am SO paranoid about stuff like that – I always think I’m going to be arrested. My boss used to want me to use her credit card sometimes (when I was picking up lunch for us) & I just couldn’t do it…

  2. Mary on December 29, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH I love this story. I can just see your face.

  3. Sarah on December 29, 2009 at 12:21 PM


  4. Greta on December 29, 2009 at 1:52 PM

    Haha! I wish I could have seen your cool, cucumber-like response!!

    I remember once, when I worked at Blockbuster during high-school, someone handed me “their” ID and it was so CLEARLY not their ID. I looked at the person skeptically and said, “… This isn’t you, is it?”
    They got the angriest, most defensive look and replied, “YES, actually!”
    And I was terrified and rang them up. And I’m sure, looking back, that the incongruent face at the counter was CONNING me.

    That is my story.

  5. Sarah on December 29, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    I used my mom’s gym membership card when I was home for Christmas. I went 4 times and they didn’t say a thing, but I was worried they would. I did not want to pay the $10 visitor fee PER day, but if I had to I would have…There is a Y at home that I could use for free, but it is CRAP and not worth the price (free) at all. My mom said if I got caught to just tell them she has been a member for a year and a half and never gone, they surely can let you go for free for a few days.

  6. wrecklessgirl on December 29, 2009 at 8:10 PM

    i don’t know why this wasn’t me..this is so me. hilarious. i love that you said SHOOT outloud. if i had a million euros i would call them and buy you a membership there and tell them your birth date is in the 1950’s just for kicks.

  7. Sarah Kate on December 30, 2009 at 11:37 PM

    I always tried to use my mom’s Costco card – that has her picture on it. I would regularly get into arguments about how I could use it and that she gave me permission and that NO, she couldn’t come to the store with me because she lives in TENNESSEE stupid. The last time that happened I left the milk at the register and walked out. I got my own membership shortly after.

  8. Tim on January 2, 2010 at 10:59 PM

    Ahahaha. I am laughing with you… WITH YOU

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