Letter
“It only ends once – everything before that is just progress.”
Dear Lost, In the 36 hours since Sunday night, the internets have been abuzz with talk of you. Did you end the right way? Were people’s minds sufficiently blown? How accurate were our theories? Was the conclusion good enough? Mainly: are we satisfied? Lost, you were my favorite show I’ve ever watched, and gave me…
Dear Annie Parsons
Dear Annie, Last night, your mom sent me the sweetest email. She told me that you are 13, and found my blog when you Googled your own name. I think it’s so cool that you have continued to read my posts, and that from hundreds of miles away, we are connected. It’s like I have…
Pink slip
Notice of Termination Dear Summer,We regret to inform you that you are being fired, effective immediately. Technically, you should have been gone weeks ago – on the Autumnal Equinox, as universally agreed – but obviously, you had your Nashville constituents fooled. You hid your face for a week or so, only to reappear on the…
The break up
My love, You know the old saying, “It’s not you, it’s me”? Well, sorry. This time, it is definitely you. We’ve been together for a long time. So long, in fact, that I can scarcely remember a time when we were apart. There was that one time during my freshman year of college when I…
Moving day
Dear Grant (“the man that I live with”), You have stored up major treasures in heaven. We did not know each other – you were the friend-of-a-friend – and yet you graciously opened your doors to me. You helped me carry my huge purple suitcases, and big boxes of dishes and books, and all of…
Lip service
Dear Burt’s Bees, I don’t know what to say. I am utterly flummoxed. After years of faithful service, you have let me down. How could you? HOW COULD YOU? Did you want to cause me havoc and harm? Kick my 2008 off to a despicable start? Or, worse yet, did you think this was a…
The cover letter I wish I could attach
Dear Potential Employer, Congratulations! You are holding the invitation to employ me, Annie Parsons. This golden ticket is not easy to come by, as I am particular and discerning about my place of employment. Some might even call me picky – to which I respond, “In a good way.” You might be wondering what it…